I had two heartwarming days on Martha’s Vineyard, visiting Sharon’s sister Heidi and Curtis and going deep with family memories of our many summers here. It seemed at each location there was a specific memory: here, where Eva got beaned on the head with an acorn. Here, where Julian got the brass ring at the carousel. Here, where Julian saw Bruce Willis on the beach and said, “Hi.” Bruce said “Hi.” and Julian said, “Cool”. Here, where we were kicked out of the restaurant by Obama’s security guards because he was coming in for dinner. Here, at the Campground Meeting Association where we sang, “I’m in the Swiss Navyyyyy!” And here, where we scattered Sharon’s ashes in the ocean at Gay Head. I sat on the beach for a long time, feeling love, joy and sadness all at once. When we were making these early memories, we were just living our lives as a young family, with the Buena Vista Social Club CD seemingly on constant repeat in the Subaru.
I hadn’t been on my bike all year, and in two days I did about 40 miles. One of my intentions on the trip is to get in shape automatically by being active in nature; bicycling, climbing mountains, long walks, etc. There will of course be days when I’m mostly driving, so I want to make sure I move a lot on other days.
I’m experiencing the strange intersection between loneliness and freedom. I can do what I want, when I want, make decisions that don’t need consensus, but I’d give anything to have Sharon disagreeing or agreeing with me. It has only been a week and a day since I left home and it already feels long. Everything is going according to plan, however, and I’m looking forward to what comes next.
I had two delightful days with Mac, the CFO of Ecobags and his wife Kate, at their oceanfront house in West Bath. I did a Piano Meditations improv concert on his Yamaha keyboard, which actually felt surprisingly expressive! I drove 80 minutes (“around the corner” in Maine…) to have lunch with Ginny and Jim, Unitarian Universalist friends, and do a little body surfing, which I now have clogged ears as a consequence.
I am now at my first National Park, Acadia. I arrived in the afternoon and did a hike up to a lookout called Eagles Crag. It felt good to be on a forest path, smelling the pines and the sea air. Back at the van, I made my first real dinner; sautéed onions and garlic, spaghetti sauce and penne, with a salad. There are definitely some logistics with timing, and which pots or pans to use.
Friends are calling, checking in, and I’m sharing that I’m feeling pretty good overall. I can be sad and excited at the same time, feeling gratitude for being alive and sorrow that Sharon isn’t. A few days ago I wrote a poem about that dichotomy which I’d like to share.
The Joy Ahead
My love,
Our years together were sweet
A gentle ease in sharing
Our times in struggle were short
But powerful.
And still, a catalyst for us to discover
One another
Deeper, and deeper still
I look forward and back;
In both directions, joy and sorrow
The joy ahead unsettles me.
How can there be joy without you?
And yet, there it is.
I know you would wish me this
As would I
Were I the one gone beyond
I understand the sorrow
But the joy,
The thrill of awakening to a new, glorious day
Breaks me.