Full-Timers refer to stationary living structures rather smugly as “sticks and bricks”. “Home” is a concept. My sticks and bricks structure is occupied by my tenants, but I am still “home”; with my friends, my community, my neighborhood. I don’t need GPS to get around. I know the restaurants. But if I’m being honest, “home” is still in quotes. It is strange, and strangely normal to be here for the month. I did a scheduling blitz before I arrived, and booked every single night with friends and family, except for a two-day colonoscopy prep. With everyone, it was if I had seen them last week, and it was delightful to reconnect. I’m house-sitting at Ellen and Mark’s place above the Jazz Forum (officially designated as one of the 100 best jazz clubs in the world). But even though I’m “home”, I’m still traveling. I love my friends and I’m lucky to have so many. But as my travels have confirmed, my friends are all over the country and are not diminished by time or distance. So, what does “home” even mean, if it’s not the sticks and bricks or proximity to friends? Or maybe that’s exactly what home is, but I’m questioning how important it is to me. It feels vaguely insulting to my friends to say that. At the same time, to have the privilege and the achievement to be financially able to travel indefinitely, this is the exact time in my life to do it. I can still climb mountains.
Living in a van is also something I could only do without Sharon. It feels insulting of my love for her to say that, too, but I know she is cheering me on. Her view would have been, “Oh, HELL no!” I know this based on our trip in a camper van around Iceland. We’ll leave it at that.
In many discussions this month, the topic of relocating has come up. Of all the places I’ve been, only Boulder, CO felt like a place I could find my tribe easily; crunchy, outdoorsy, dance-friendly, plenty of spiritual woo-woo. I make friends easily and I could probably slot right in. But I don’t see that happening. If I end up selling my house, I would downsize in the same neighborhood. I’ll never let go of my Steinway, and I need a place big enough to have house concerts. As it stands now, the lease on the house ends May 2027. By then I will have travelled up to Alaska, down and around the USA and back to the Northeast. After that, who knows? I do know I’m ready to let go of most of my possessions. My motto used to be, “Better living through small appliances”, but no longer. I’m feeling like “Home” will be more like “home-base”, a place from which to depart and sometimes return. But that could change!
One subject I haven’t blogged much about is romance. Don’t expect much detail in that department; my kids definitely don’t want to hear about it, and it’s private in any case. But it matters as it pertains to my heart. I’ve been without Sharon for two years now, and I know I can love again. The logistics of traveling make dating implausible, and even if I fall hard for someone, I don’t see myself stopping my journey and taking up residence where she lives. I’m at a stage now where I’m ready to share myself with someone, open to traveling or vacationing with them and then parting ways until we can be together again, or maybe not. My mindset is to immediately jump to Committed-Relationship-Life-Partner status, which is not only unrealistic, but even off-putting. Not having that mindset is a new and refreshing attitude, even though I haven’t had the chance to manifest it yet. My friend Heather helped me see the progression in the right order: first can be physical attraction and can be enough in and of itself; if you enjoy the other’s company and want to continue, a bond may grow, then, and only then, the desire to deepen the relationship can happen organically. It’s funny to state the obvious, but I haven’t had that many relationships in my life, so I haven’t had very many times to realize this simple truth. Maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way, is free and ready to see the world, accept each other’s quirks, experience discomfort in the name of adventure and be willing to embrace the unknown. In the meanwhile, I’m going for it solo!
