I wrote what follows on the airplane before beginning the cruise down the Inside Passage from Juneau to Seattle. My next post will be a transcription from my journal of the 13 day trip. I thought it should be two posts, because the next one will be quite long!
From NIH: “Psychological science has typically conceptualized a good life in terms of either hedonic or eudaimonic well-being. We propose that psychological richness is another, neglected aspect of what people consider a good life. Unlike happy or meaningful lives, psychologically rich lives are best characterized by a variety of interesting and perspective-changing experiences. We present empirical evidence that happiness, meaning, and psychological richness are related but distinct and desirable aspects of a good life, with unique causes and correlates.” It goes on to say a happy life is correlated with repetition and routine, a meaningful life with challenges and effort in order to have a positive impact in the world.
Sharon and I each had ambitions, her to “go national” as an actress and me to create music appreciated by many. She did go national with Ecobags Products, Inc and with her book, “The Magic of Tiny Business”, and I made two award-winning albums of songs for children. Our dreams changed as we matured and raised our family. She didn’t want to keep chasing a career in acting, but kept involved in the local theater community. I didn’t want to be a performing musician that kept me on the road and away from my family, so I put my creative energy into my job as an elementary music teacher. I think we both felt a healthy balance between happy and meaningful lives.
I never liked the phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” I know it means you can’t do two incompatible things at the same time, but my response to that phrase was always, “So have your cake and then eat it!” The timeframe can be decades.
I am focused now on having a psychologically rich life. I had a life and career that was largely happy and meaningful for 40 years. I was content in my marriage and in my work. Sharon and I were looking forward to the next chapter together, and now I have to have the next chapter without her.
I think some of the impetus for this trip was an unconscious acknowledgment that I couldn’t continue the routine and momentum of the life I had with Sharon, without Sharon. For a while I thought I could move forward into a new relationship, and although I met two wonderful women over those months, it was frankly disorienting to be trying to open my heart to someone new. Both were very understanding and respectful of my grief process, but I see now I was trying to push forward too fast.
Hitting the road makes all of this moot. Travel is inherently psychologically rich, as one is constantly having new perspectives and experiences. I’m looking for these now. In the coming months I’ll be gradually working my way down the west coast, meeting people, hiking, making music, and possibly joining work trips with the Sierra Club, or taking time at a meditation retreat. Who knows? It’s all new, so why not? I may have said this before, but as I was leading up to the trip my therapist said, “You’re in the literal and metaphorical driver’s seat of your life.”
I’m missing my friends, having dinners, doing Piano Meditations, just being in each other’s lives. But I’m also still able-bodied and really want to travel and see this beautiful country. Next may be this beautiful world.