Well, with days to kill in the hotel next to the auto repair shop, I finally created a piece of music, added photos, then recorded a spontaneous poem to go with it. I was journaling this morning about my relationship with music these days (See “Keep Moving”), and while I'm not promising fundamental change, I did write myself into a realization. Here's what I wrote:
“As I am in waiting mode again, the question of music arises again. I've spent a couple days basically twiddling my thumbs. I could absolutely be exploring Logic Pro and having fun with sound. Sound. Maybe that's a pathway I hadn't considered before. I really need to get my ego out of it. A scientist doesn't do research for compliments. If I want to explore, I should go in the cave. (NOTE: I toured Kartchner Caverns a few days ago, and phones were not allowed) Randy and Gary, who discovered what became known as Kartchner Caverns, started with a hole they found the size of a grapefruit. They chipped away at it till they could climb through, then crawled 400 feet through mud to emerge in a Cathedral of Time. Drop by drop, the crystals had formed. It's a good metaphor. My grapefruit hole is an audio file. I can chip away at the sound, exploring all the ways to mangle it. I don't need to “aspire”, I want to explore. Replace “dream” with interest. The “goal” is discovery. The time it takes is akin to a hike in nature, it's just a different kind of exploration. I have time. I'm not looking for work. The sandbox is there. Go play. There's no “need” to play. There's no “In order to…” Sharon was so good at that; playing with color and texture. I can let her memory guide me. Let's see what the day will bring!”
Hopefully, I can remember this motivation and also give up the constraint of excellence. What kid refuses to build something in a sandbox because he's afraid it won't be amazing?!